Wednesday, March 23, 2011

All In

Brayden (3) and I at Falls of the Ohio.

Brenna (4) & I at Columbus Hospital during her appendicitis ordeal, this was a whole day before she was diagnosed and taken to Riley for emergency surgery. 

I admit, I'm not one of those girls who dreamed of becoming a mommy.  Heck, I'm not even one of the girls that dreamed about her wedding day.  But when the time was right we knew it was time to plunge into the waters of parenthood.  I know being a mom is part of my journey and it is growing me so much.  I am growing up right along side of both of you. 

My mom was a full time mom.  I remember saying to her one day, when she asked me if I would stay home with my kids, "No way!  I'll have a job."  While I do have a part-time job, that is mostly at home work, I am still what I would consider a stay at home mom.  Crazy what your brain taking a bath in hormones and 20 digits can do to a person.  I changed my tune as soon as I became pregnant, vowing to try to stay home.  I have worked part time since you all where born and have been able to be with you most of the time.  Sometimes I question if that really was the best thing for you. 

What I mean by that is, well.... I'm far from super mom.  I yell, less than I used to when Brenna's terrible 3's almost killed us all, I nod and pretend I'm listening when I'm really not. I say things I regret that you will probably tell your shrink about someday.   I tell you I'm gonna fix that hole or read that book and if I do get around to it, it may be 3 weeks later.  I get impatient when you talk incessantly, especially through my favorite song or when I'm on the phone, or get whiny.  I plug you into the TV so I can have a completed thought or chore. I put housework before you.  I think of so many fun things we could do together and I never actually do them.

Other times when I am present, in the moment, it's like a scene from "7th Heaven".  I listen to your problems and help you work through them.  We take hikes and I describe things to you, trying not to overwhelm you with my nature knowledge.  I make your favorite meal out of the blue. I apologize for being a grump. Sometimes I even put aside my to do list just to do fun things with you.  I tell you I love you and kiss you WAY too many times in a day.  I tear up at little things like you reading to me, getting off the bus or saying I love you to your sibling. I make you presents and desserts. 

You have both taught me so much, you are my teachers.  And I hope that the positive list will get longer as our journey continues and the negative list will get smaller.  I have grown more spiritually and mentally in the last 6 years than in my whole life and I know that we are just at the beginning.  I pray for guidance everyday as well as peace and joy on this journey.  There is nothing, besides my marriage to your dad,  I take more seriously that being your mom. Know that I have put it all in for you.

1 comment:

Alex Houston said...

Very sweet and well said. Tearing up over here. :)